Satisfaction

What do we do when nothing satisfies the human hole of dissatisfaction? It’s a tricky conundrum - we can’t possibly not strive for more as part of our human condition, and because of that, we can’t ever quite feel satisfied. I find this dilemma both puzzling and incredibly interesting. After decades of filling my own particular hole with food, shopping, romance, planning and busy-ness of any sort, lately I find that I can’t quite feed the hunger like a I used to.

For decades, I really bought my own line of “if only” and “when I” yet time and time again they never delivered my entire order. Eventually, I gave up on the stories altogether — that when I found a relationship I’d feel complete, when I started a successful venture I’d feel well used, when my physical body was a certain way I’d officially stop wanting it to be different. Even though I fought leaving them behind for a long time, I loved it when they finally left my repertoire. The liberation that came on the heels of dropping the need to validate my own cracked whip was a reprieve I didn’t know I needed.

Yet, the human achiever’s whip is a clandestine sadist. It finds its way rather cleverly into little endeavors without us knowing. Like how it wraps its tendrils around my tendency to obsess as I’m redesigning certain rooms in our house. It knows that I seek perfection; one of dissatisfaction’s best wet dreams. Now-a-days, I’m onto it even while it has me. I know that after this round of decorating, I’ll feel exactly the way I did before I redecorated. Sure, the house will look cuter and feel fresh and cleansed, yet the dial on my own satisfaction meter of me and those of those around me won’t change.

This is when self-help books and quotes tell us to enjoy the process. I, for one, find that to be sound advice. If the process isn’t fun, and the outcome is likely not to reap the reward we hoped, why the hell would we do any of it to begin with? But, learning from and finding pleasure in the process isn’t quite enough. It’s a bonus gift acquired on behalf of the one we didn’t receive. It’s a feel chemical surge now for a serotonin dump later. And perhaps this is just the rub — no matter how much we do, wish, strive, hope, and envision, and even enjoy it, making peace with the hole is the only shot we have at any satisfaction at all.